Q: Q. Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna?
A: I'm tuna
------------ --
Q: Ano ang tawag kapag sinuot mo ang kanang sapatos sa kaliwang paa at ang kaliwang sapatos sa kanang paa?
A: Malicious
------------ ---
Q: What's the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey?
A: A kiss is so dear, a car is for you dear, a monkey is you my dear.
------------ ---
Q: What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden wheel and a wooden engine?
A: It wooden start.
------------------------
KNOW the movie "MULAN?" Part four na yon! First episode nun "Mulog," then "Midlat," Tapos "Mambon," saka pa lang "Mulan" Coming soon na ang "Magyo," Next ang "Maha," finally "Maraw"... ak magkanapos nyun, ngongo kha nha yin!!!
------------ ---------
Dear Itay, Padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang mga damit ko pinagkakain ng mga daga. Dear Anak, Wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron dito pusa.
------------ ---------
Isang babae bumili ng asukal. Inabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng babae,"Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin."Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang naming "Asin" para hindi langgamin.
------------ --------- -
Ngongo dictionary:
CATTLE - dun nakatira ang printeta at printipe
MELT - yun ang sinusuot sa mewang
EFFORT - dun nag-la-land ang efflane
STATUE - ikaw ba yan?
------------ --------- --
MRS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong pick-up girl. Pagkita kay Mister: Hi Pogi! AVAILABLE ako ngayon....
MR: Ayoko sa yo!! Kamukha mo misis ko!!
------------ ----
MR: Doc, duwag ako magpabunot ng ngipin.
DR: No problem, eto whiskey, uminom ka! Mister, uminom ng whiskey)
DR: O, matapang ka na ba?
MR: Oo Doc, pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko gugulpihin ko!
------------ ----
WHEN I was lost you were there, When I was down you were there. When I was heartbroken you were there. When I got really sick you were there.
ABA, hindi kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko?
------------ ----
A Filipino lady was taking d exam for US naturalization and citizenship. She aced the test. D examiner said,"Now, d last part of d exam is a vocabulary test. Can you spell d word Window?
The lady sed,"W-I-N-D- O-W.";"Ah, very good,"
D examiner said. "Now, use it in a sentence."
"WINDOW I get my citizenship papers?"
------------ ------
Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang aasahan ko hindi mangyayari yan!
------------ -----
Wife: Pag may problema ko, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo.
Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal na mahal mo ako.
Wife: Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sasarili ko na WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO.
------------ ----
Anak: 'Nay, puede na ba akong magbra? Nay, kinse na po ako, puede na ba?
Ina : Hoy! Joselito! Tigilan mo nga ako!!!!
------------ ----
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?" Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
___________
Bisaya 1: " Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!
Bisaya 2: " Dili bay!"
Bisaya 1: " Kay Hipi?"
Bisaya 2: " Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o, "'SAFARI'."
___________
Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan, mahihiya tayo kay kumpari!"
___________
Juan: bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.
__________
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
__________
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
__________
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.
__________
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala pa rin siya!
Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
-----------------
PRESIDENT- pasimuno.
VICE PRESIDENT- kunsintidor.
SECRETARY- palsipikador.
TREASURER- kubrador.
AUDITOR- kasabwat.
PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- tsismoso.
REPRESENTATIVES- pahamak.
SPOKESMAN- bolero.
SGT-AT-ARMS- tirador.
ADVISER- taga sulsol?..mas tama di bah?
============ ========= ========= ======
ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :
1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.
2. Rats are normal house pets.
3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.
4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide theentertainment!
============ ========= ========= ========
A song for our Honorable ^ - ^Congressmen and Senators,Mayors and Governors:BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT, BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,KURAKOT, KURAKOT,BOOM BOOM BOOM!"
============ ========= ========= ====
Miriam Santiago is the model of a watch to be made jointly by Japan 's Seiko and French's Patek Philippe. The brand name of the watch is "SEIKOPATEK"
============ ========= ========= =====
PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?JUAN: Pata!PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento!
============ ========= ========= =====
TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA?BOY#1: Naglaba mam!
TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE?
BOY#2: Naglalaba!TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE?BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!
============ ========= ========= =====
JINGGOY: Dad, bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat?
ERAP: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindimapanis ang mga isda
============ ========= ========= =====
AMERICAN ENGLISH: Eat All You Can,don't be shy,feel at home!IN TAGALOG:kain lang kayo ng kain,walanghiya kayo,pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!
============ ========= ========= ======
ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.
HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.
JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.
RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.
JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.
MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.
AI AI DELAS ALAS: half Filipino half Moon.
GMA: half...
============ ========= =========
PILITA CORRALES - Asia's Queen of Song.
LANI MISALUCHA - Asia's Nightingale.
REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia's Song Bird.
GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia "
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Penoy Joke Part III
Telecom HISTORY
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year,
Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres
and headlines in the US papers read: " US scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Japanese".
One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Filipino scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago,
their ancestors were already using wireless technology".
-------------------------------------------------------
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD!
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Mexican
contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do $700: $300 for> > materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure,
but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?
How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and
we hire the guy from Mexico ". The next day, the Pinoy and
the Mexican are working on the Fence.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the
US and corruption in the Philippines ?A. In the U.S.
they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?
A. Cory can`t tell a lie, Gloria can`t tell the truth, Erap can`t tell the difference
***************************************
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness
or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ??? Police: "Di Namin Alam "
**************************************
ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante.
Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama! SA PAGPAPATULOY. ..
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang
daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang
ibinulong sa daga ang result
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!
***************************************
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio,
Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
****************************************
TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine"
Barbell.
*****************************************
ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, saka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
******************************************
PROMDI*: Alam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin!
Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo... (*Prom the province)
*********************************************
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"
*******************************************
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, ma'am!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero ma'am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya
ang APAT na sulok ng mundo.
May sulok po ba ang bilog?
*******************************************
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
*********************************************
Boss asks his sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime:
Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman FREE...
Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!
***********************************************
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt na red? Yun, yun ba? Kilala ko siya!
Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Berto!
**********************************************
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo.
Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?
************************************************
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass,
sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "He was an honest man,
a good man, a devoted family man." Binulungan ng biyuda
ang panganay na anak, "Pakisilip mo nga ang kabaong kung
ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"
********end end end end *******************
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year,
Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres
and headlines in the US papers read: " US scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Japanese".
One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Filipino scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago,
their ancestors were already using wireless technology".
-------------------------------------------------------
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD!
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Mexican
contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do $700: $300 for> > materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure,
but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?
How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and
we hire the guy from Mexico ". The next day, the Pinoy and
the Mexican are working on the Fence.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the
US and corruption in the Philippines ?A. In the U.S.
they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?
A. Cory can`t tell a lie, Gloria can`t tell the truth, Erap can`t tell the difference
***************************************
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness
or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ??? Police: "Di Namin Alam "
**************************************
ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante.
Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama! SA PAGPAPATULOY. ..
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang
daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang
ibinulong sa daga ang result
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!
***************************************
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio,
Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
****************************************
TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine"
Barbell.
*****************************************
ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, saka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
******************************************
PROMDI*: Alam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin!
Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo... (*Prom the province)
*********************************************
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"
*******************************************
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, ma'am!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero ma'am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya
ang APAT na sulok ng mundo.
May sulok po ba ang bilog?
*******************************************
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
*********************************************
Boss asks his sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime:
Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman FREE...
Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!
***********************************************
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt na red? Yun, yun ba? Kilala ko siya!
Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Berto!
**********************************************
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo.
Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?
************************************************
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass,
sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "He was an honest man,
a good man, a devoted family man." Binulungan ng biyuda
ang panganay na anak, "Pakisilip mo nga ang kabaong kung
ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"
********end end end end *******************
Friday, October 19, 2007
Penoy Jokes Part II
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Anak: Nay, 22o b na "1st luv nver dies?"
Nanay: Oo nman! Tingnan nyo yang ama nyo 1st luv ko, hanggang ngaun buhay pa ang hinayupak, d p mamatay n lng!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Attorney: Nsan k ng mangyari ang rape?Witness: Sa maisan po!Attorney: Anong gingawa mo don?Witness: Tumatae po!Attorney: Ilang hakbang ka mula sa krimen?Witness: Pucha nman attorney! meron bang tumatae na pahakbang-hakbang?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: Cno matapang?! Lumabas matapang jan!Lalaking madaming tattoo: Ako matapanag...! Bakit?!Boy: Survey lng po.... O ung mga duwag nman ......
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy1: Tanungin mo ako ng English, sasagutin kita ng Spanish.
Boy2: What is mor important? Heart or Mind?
Boy 1: Spanish!!!
*******
Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di nakakatipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa driver!
****
Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!
****
A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!
****
Nanay: anak, hindi ka ba nahihiya??! linis ako nang linis ditotapos ikaw, naglalaro lang jan?!!Anak: Nay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang naglilinis janat ikaw ang naglalaro dito?? toink...
****
In a petshop...Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can uspeak? BOBO!'....
Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can u fly, ha? Can u fly? GAGO!
****
Ama: May taning na buhay ko. Pag ako'y namatay wag niyo ibentayung lupa sa likod ng bahay...
Anak: Din naman atin yun Ama..
Ama: Kaya nga wag mo ibenta dahil hindi atin yun!!
****
Bigo sa pag-ibig??Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - Mapagkumbaba
PILAY - Di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - Wala paki sa looks
PIPI - Di nagbibitiw ng bad words.at eto the best....
DULING - Di ka hahayaan mag-isa!
****
Magkaibigan kumakain...
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!Chess yan.. CHESS!!
****
Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??... ..E di matapang!! c'',)
****
Baliw1: Bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat salupa?? Bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon,pinipigilan yon!
****
3 Baliw sa Mental nagkukuwentuhan. ..
B1: Ako presidente dito!
B2: Wala ka sa akin! ako si Bush, Presidente sa America !
B1: Sino nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??
****
Prof : Who among you experienced having sex with a ghost?? Juan raised his hand...
Prof : Really?? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!
****
Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??..... .........A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills.. Nyahaha!!
****
Teacher: Jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po! Teacher: Sa 2? Jigs: 3 po! Teacher : Ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: Tatay ko po! Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10? Jigs: Jack po!
****
Nasa bubong ang sakristan, namboboso sa pari at madre.....Madre: Pano pag nabuntis ako??Pari: Bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan : 'Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang naman ako ah!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Anak: Nay, 22o b na "1st luv nver dies?"
Nanay: Oo nman! Tingnan nyo yang ama nyo 1st luv ko, hanggang ngaun buhay pa ang hinayupak, d p mamatay n lng!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Attorney: Nsan k ng mangyari ang rape?Witness: Sa maisan po!Attorney: Anong gingawa mo don?Witness: Tumatae po!Attorney: Ilang hakbang ka mula sa krimen?Witness: Pucha nman attorney! meron bang tumatae na pahakbang-hakbang?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy: Cno matapang?! Lumabas matapang jan!Lalaking madaming tattoo: Ako matapanag...! Bakit?!Boy: Survey lng po.... O ung mga duwag nman ......
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy1: Tanungin mo ako ng English, sasagutin kita ng Spanish.
Boy2: What is mor important? Heart or Mind?
Boy 1: Spanish!!!
*******
Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di nakakatipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa driver!
****
Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!
****
A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!
****
Nanay: anak, hindi ka ba nahihiya??! linis ako nang linis ditotapos ikaw, naglalaro lang jan?!!Anak: Nay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang naglilinis janat ikaw ang naglalaro dito?? toink...
****
In a petshop...Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can uspeak? BOBO!'....
Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can u fly, ha? Can u fly? GAGO!
****
Ama: May taning na buhay ko. Pag ako'y namatay wag niyo ibentayung lupa sa likod ng bahay...
Anak: Din naman atin yun Ama..
Ama: Kaya nga wag mo ibenta dahil hindi atin yun!!
****
Bigo sa pag-ibig??Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - Mapagkumbaba
PILAY - Di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - Wala paki sa looks
PIPI - Di nagbibitiw ng bad words.at eto the best....
DULING - Di ka hahayaan mag-isa!
****
Magkaibigan kumakain...
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!Chess yan.. CHESS!!
****
Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??... ..E di matapang!! c'',)
****
Baliw1: Bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat salupa?? Bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon,pinipigilan yon!
****
3 Baliw sa Mental nagkukuwentuhan. ..
B1: Ako presidente dito!
B2: Wala ka sa akin! ako si Bush, Presidente sa America !
B1: Sino nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??
****
Prof : Who among you experienced having sex with a ghost?? Juan raised his hand...
Prof : Really?? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!
****
Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??..... .........A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills.. Nyahaha!!
****
Teacher: Jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po! Teacher: Sa 2? Jigs: 3 po! Teacher : Ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: Tatay ko po! Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10? Jigs: Jack po!
****
Nasa bubong ang sakristan, namboboso sa pari at madre.....Madre: Pano pag nabuntis ako??Pari: Bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan : 'Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang naman ako ah!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Filipino Joke Part I
----- A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.
The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!
****************** The End ******************
"TEACHER: Class draw a fish..!
CLASS: Yes ma'am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?
PEDRO: Ma'am, bagoong po yan."
"Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.."
"PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . ..Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente"
Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser,
nagkopyahan tayo
"WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"
"Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"
"May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po
ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "
"Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"
A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
BABY: Does this mean I am an angel???
FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!
In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;
are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"
"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"
Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin
na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung
papayag ang punerarya :)
bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni
ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. ..."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ...(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ...(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ...(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi
ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! walang modo!
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak ng mister mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala
ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
(nyahahahaha! )
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po.
************************ END *************************
Be careful how you list names on your cell phone! ( this is not a joke )
This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her
mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained
her mobile, Credit card, purse...etc. ... was stolen. 20 minutes later
when she called Her Hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had
happened, hubby says "I've Just received your text asking about our Pin
number and I've replied a little while ago."
When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the
money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the
stolen hand phone to text "hubby" in the contact list and got hold of
the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from
the bank account.
Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and
the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey,
Hubby, sweetheart, Dad, Mum etc....... And very importantly, when
sensitive info is being asked thru texts, CONFIRM by calling back.
Also, when you're being texted by friends or family to meet them
somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from
them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to
meet "family and friends" who text you.
Delete Reply Forward Spam Move...
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As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.
The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!
****************** The End ******************
"TEACHER: Class draw a fish..!
CLASS: Yes ma'am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?
PEDRO: Ma'am, bagoong po yan."
"Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.."
"PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . ..Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente"
Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser,
nagkopyahan tayo
"WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"
"Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"
"May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po
ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "
"Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"
A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
BABY: Does this mean I am an angel???
FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!
In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;
are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"
"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"
Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin
na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung
papayag ang punerarya :)
bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni
ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. ..."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ...(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ...(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ...(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi
ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! walang modo!
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak ng mister mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala
ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
(nyahahahaha! )
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po.
************************ END *************************
Be careful how you list names on your cell phone! ( this is not a joke )
This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her
mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained
her mobile, Credit card, purse...etc. ... was stolen. 20 minutes later
when she called Her Hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had
happened, hubby says "I've Just received your text asking about our Pin
number and I've replied a little while ago."
When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the
money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the
stolen hand phone to text "hubby" in the contact list and got hold of
the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from
the bank account.
Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and
the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey,
Hubby, sweetheart, Dad, Mum etc....... And very importantly, when
sensitive info is being asked thru texts, CONFIRM by calling back.
Also, when you're being texted by friends or family to meet them
somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from
them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to
meet "family and friends" who text you.
Delete Reply Forward Spam Move...
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